I stayed away for a while because, much like heroin, Tumblr made me forget to shower and want to associate with questionable fellows. When I kicked it, I gained a lot of weight—just like heroin. Now I’m back because I need to get my shit together… just like Scott Weiland. I mean heroin.

Got in two good weeks in December, then a break for the holidays was followed by a vicious stomach virus that kept me out of work for a week. Currently finishing up a comprehensive list of goals for this year. First time I’ve been out of bed longer than 3 hours in a week. Huzzah.

Cruelest lie ever. When my wife said we should try an Atkins-based plan for a few weeks, I Googled it and came up with this. The photo is labled, “The Atkins Pyramid.” I figured I could handle this.

Now we’re one week in and I want to dig this guy up and punch him.

(I’m trying to fail again… Day 1.)

It’s amazing how I can procrastinate.

Really. There should be a prize. It should involve muffins of some sort.

Now that I’ve just finished catching up with BenDoesLife (not sure of how to do the little link thingy) and his successful marathon experience, I am forced to looked at the charred carcass of my own 5k training. With a month to go, I am still struggling to manage a mile without stopping at a 4.2 pace. How did he manage it with all that extra weight in the beginning? My knees are crackling like logs in a fire. After ballooning back up to 320 after a rough start to the school year, I managed to pull the plane out of the spin and get back on track the last two weeks. Down to 300 but struggling to juggle work stuff with the time I need to work out. Still, I’m going to do it. Come Thanksgiving morning, I will heave my bloated body across the finish line in a flurry of wheezing, crackling flailing. \

I will then eat like I’m punishing my stomach. Going to use this page to document my training. And by “training,” I mean whining. And by “whining,” I mean justifications for my lack of progress. And by “lack of progress,” I mean Twinkies and naps.

After losing 105 pounds in Phase One (370 to 265), I knew I’d let myself relax a bit in late August. A week turned into five as the school year began, but I have successfully pulled the plane out of the dive. I’m now at 314.4, but I know a lot of that is the water weight after my poor eating and reduced workouts. Even with the poor eating I only missed 2 days of workouts in those five weeks, but they were sad little things. Phase Two will get me down to 232 pounds by January 31, 2010. In the meantime, I will:

Run my first “official” 5k in 14 years (I did manage one full practice run before my dad died in 2007 and I had to cancel the actual race).

Introduce juicing to my daily routine (I know, I know—exciting, right?)

Get down to a size 38 pants and XL shirts (well, maybe 2XL—we’ll see)

Bring sexy back.

Me pointing to the date of my last update, which was a month ago. Of course, you can’t see that. I even failed at pointing out my failure, which I believe can be construed as the height of success if we look at it in a metaphysical sense… which I shall, thank you.

This is what anger looks like.

When there’s not even any of the crappy organic yogurt left to mask the taste of the blueberries you still have to eat, anger sets in. Tomorrow is the day of the fast, and Kristen tells me I have to get up at 6:00 AM to “get as much fasting time in before bedtime.” So, I’m getting up EARLY not to eat?